Fiery Mama’s Blog

Archive for May, 2019

Emotion through Poetry

Fear

There’s so much fear in this life, I fear for my son & daughter, I fear for their safety, I fear of never having control over this life, I fear of losing my strength, that I might just break under this smile so fake.

Will we never be safe? Is this our fate? To always fear such threat.

The monster that walks among us, Why was I dealt this curse? Will Justice never prevail?

I feel like im drowning in this fear, a fear of never being free, imprisoned in this life, while the fear, the molester, the con, the thief, walk free doing as they please.

When will they listen? When will they see? He’s only out to hurt me! Let me be free! Take the fear away from me!

 

 

A Mother’s Reign

The memories bring pain, like heartache in the rain

The stars in my babies eyes, dimmed by their constant lies

A hurricane of disdain, when they took away my reign

The truth yet to unfold, so my babies I can hold

The man thinks he is sacred, but that’s my son you violated

As for taking my daughter, soon you will stumble and falter

And my reign I will regain, then it will be you who will suffer in pain, from my children you will refrain, and you will never see them again!

Mama’s on a mission – Part 2

So that’s what we did we moved into a new house, here was me thinking with a fresh start, a nicer home, new goals things wouldn’t be so bad, they might even be better. Everything was Okay to begin with. The day we moved in I introduced Mr J to the Parents of my sister Jay’s, Partner Mr & Mrs R. They Shook hands. I told them how Mr J was a Mechanic and asked if they had anything around their farm that he could fix for them as I’m sure he would be more then happy too have some employment. Mr & Mrs R said they’d keep that in mind, but within two weeks of being there he finally had some employment working on their farm as a general mechanic and farmhand. This was good as it got him out of my face for the day, I could finally get my children into a normal routine without him under my feet wanting me to do shit for him all the time. It wasn’t fair on the kids to not have my full attention. Wasn’t more then a couple months and the neighbor had heard about Mr J being a Mechanic on the farm for Mr & Mrs R. He asked if he could do some work for him as well, this was good it meant some more hours for him and hopefully some more income coming in for the household. I was wrong there though wasn’t I, even though his wages were going into my bank account so that his one wouldn’t suck them all out for fees and debts he was in. The kids and I still didn’t get a cent of it. The funds he made went onto his mechanic parts, buying more tools or you guessed it TRADE ME!! I was getting pretty upset with Mr J, I was getting tired of being the only one paying the rent, the power, the food bill, and everything else that came with running a household with 2 children. It was really draining me. I tried to keep my mind busy by doing the gardens around Mrs R’s place, she would pay me to buy plants etc and landscape her place so that was nice something a little extra to keep my mind off things, I also studied Landscape Design just so I could gain a qualification as well as I loved to Garden. And anything extra I could do to focus my thoughts on something else instead of the way Mr J was treating me, was always a good thing. My son’s Dad, Mr S, Came down and stayed with us for 2 weeks so he could spend some time with our son, I noticed quite an improvement with our son over that time, it was obvious he felt safer with his dad around, I guess he thought he would protect us in some way or another. But for the 2 weeks he stayed. Mr J was a perfect gentleman, even cleaned up around the house. Wasn’t much of a cover for Mr S though, he could see straight through him and thought he was a loser… but why would I take his opinion right, he was my ex and obviously jealous that he couldn’t get any hanky panky from me this time around. I know things weren’t the best with Mr S’s relationship with me when we were together and we did cheat on each other but we were so young, neither of knew any better. But I have been loyal to my partner’s since then, I learnt my lesson and I wasn’t about to just ruin the relationship that I was in, that would have been very wrong of me. Mr F wasn’t even jealous of Mr S & I hanging out though, even though it wasn’t often but I did cook dinner and make sure he was fed while he stayed with us. I was still a hospitable host. Oh how I wished Mr J would have screwed up in front of him though. I would have gotten out of the relationship so much quicker if he just did something wrong, but he didn’t. He was nice to both the kids, nice to me, he was just nice, something I was far from used too.

Alot happened while we lived in this house. We met some new friends, B & V they had 3 children. Their 2 girls A&M would come to our home quite a fair bit, I would babysit them for their parents while they went out to the pub, or friends places to drink and watch the rugby. I didn’t mind the children were lovely and again it gave me an an excuse for Mr J to be nice, because he wouldn’t dare play up in front of anyone else. No one was to know what a complete danger he was behind closed doors. Anyway we had plenty of fun, the girls would all play nicely together, we would watch movies, eat popcorn and sometimes we would even go to their place and the kids would ride the ponies. Of Course we got selfies to show A&M’s parents just how much fun we were all having together while they were out. I got to know V quite well, we became friends, I started confiding in her about some of the things MR F was doing. Really just getting off my shoulders how much I was down because he wouldn’t help out with the bills and would hardly ever watch the kids. I was just getting exhausted and needed an out. V was quite understanding, quite a nice lady to be honest, said anytime I needed to escape just jump in the car with daughter and son and come down and chill out with her. It was great to know I had someone on my side that would let me have somewhere to come to if I needed. We spent quite a bit of time together after that, having BBQ’s or just letting the kids chill together riding the ponies, bike ride’s etc. If I needed to go somewhere she would watch my kids and I’d of course do the same for them, which was alot more often then I would need them. Mr J & B got quite chummy too. B was quite a built man, comes across quite tough. B was a Fencing & Spraying Contractor at the time, so quite outdoorsy, liked to hunt and build things with wood. He built my son a hand made rifle for his birthday, it was really clever. Son loved it! It was nice to have some friends that clicked with us.

However this was also the House where the unthinkable happened to my son. But that’s coming soon as at this point I still didn’t know about this horrific incident.

This house also bought alot of yelling from me again..but that’s what I did when I got upset, I raised my voice and I got upset alot because of him, Mr J was so lazy and so mean! Why couldn’t he just get off his computer and help me out, why was it always me that had to cook, clean, look after everyone! ARGH! He did my head in, why did I still think I loved this prick? Oh yeah that’s right because I didn’t know who I was anymore, I had lost my sense of self, lost my zest for life so to speak. And I was Broken! It also meant Mr & Mrs R could always hear me alot when they were out working on the farm, all I wanted was for Mr J to go outside and do something, pay a bill, play with our daughter and just stop harassing me.  We’d lived in this house for nearly a year, things were just not changing with Mr F, it was like he was permanently in this state of perpetual bliss with his bullying of me and put downs towards my children. I still very much thought it was still all my fault though and that wasn’t fair by any means. When our years lease was nearly up, I was too embarrassed to keep staying at Mr & Mrs R’s Farmhouse, as much as I was so grateful to them for allowing me to rent this place from them, I was ashamed of myself and needed to move on. The Green Shed, My dream spot since I was a little girl was available and I had to take it. The Green Shed was even further away from all my family, but that was perfect for Mr J as I was more isolated now. My friends stopped visiting me, because they didn’t like the man who I was with, or who I was when I was with him. So the whole time we lived in the Green Shed I basically felt like a prisoner, home to do all the cooking and cleaning like always but this time I didn’t get alot of visits from my family, absolutely no visits from my friends, but I had my kids so that was enough for me or so I thought. I was starting to feel like I didn’t have much to live for, I needed something more in my life then just serving the master and looking after the kids, they were both in school and daycare now during the day so I needed something for me. Sitting around on my own all day, just waiting for the kids to finish at school, wasn’t really my cup of tea, so I started looking for a job and I was in luck because I got one! I started working during the day at a local pub, cleaning and helping in the kitchen when needed. I enjoyed getting out of the house, it was nice. I had a bit more routine in my life. And it was needed. I enjoyed making some extra money that I could put into my own pocket for a change. My hours soon changed and I became part time in the Kitchen which meant evenings. Mr J didn’t like this and got jealous because in the evenings I would be socialising with people. Of course for him this meant I could be at work talking about him, which was far from the topic of conversations I was having. I just wanted to block him out while I worked, It made me feel like I was in a whole new world. Things started getting rough though, all of a sudden the car would have a flat Tyre, or the keys would go missing, soon I was calling into work too many times saying I couldn’t make it that I ended up being fired from my job. I couldn’t believe he would sabotage me so much to the extent where I would lose my only independence. I thought that was it, I would be stuck at home, never being able to leave again. He wouldn’t let me have a life, he wouldn’t let me have friends. I would stay home and make sure everything was perfect. Washing was always done, folded and put away. Dinner was on the table every night like clockwork. Until one afternoon I got a call from another job I had applied for previously when I was looking for something else to do. I immediately said I was interested. It was my dream to drive trucks. I got given the hours so I could work between my son getting on and off the school bus and my wee girl being at daycare. I’d worked for a few weeks now and again started having car troubles. I was like you have got to be kidding me. I am not going to let this happen again. So I went straight to a car sales and I bought myself a new car! I felt on top of the world because I could buy something for myself for a change, that was my money I was making and I was not going to let him take that from me again. He was making his own wages now by screwing people over in the mechanics world. My children were so stoked we had a new car and we didn’t have to rely on taking any of the other cars anymore. He couldn’t stop us from going in my new car because it was in my name not his and if he took my keys, I would threaten to call the police and have him charged with theft. I was slowly getting my independence back. I would work all day and come home and sort my kids in the evening, give them dinner, baths, do homework and get them ready for bed. Mr J would have to wait.