Fiery Mama’s Blog

Archive for June, 2019

Life gets harder before it gets better..

We spent 4 years with Mr J, going through all the ups and downs that we did, and as much as I would love to keep writing about everything that happened throughout the years, I am having trouble getting it all out in the greatest detail. The emotional damage that has been caused by being with this man, this monster. It has had dire consequences on not only myself and my health, but my families as well. So let me tell you all a little about that…. The Family Court process was so long and tedious, after we finally left Mr J in October 2015 after having him trespassed from my home, even more problems started arising for us. I was trying so hard to move on and have my children settled back into a normal routine. My wee girl was enrolled in daycare and was a 25minute drive from where we lived at the Green Shed. I found it harder and harder to take her there, I would be afraid that Mr J would just go on in and take her without my knowledge, even though I had informed the daycare what was going on, nothing could stop him as he was still her guardian. Mr J was making things tough for us, he wanted to get his things after he was forced to move out so I arranged for the local policeman to be present while this happened, I had a disciplinary meeting at work I needed to attend, so I left my home expecting the Police officer to do his job, I had piled up what Mr J was allowed to take with him from the house and had informed the police officer that he was not to go anywhere else in the house, he agreed with me. Much to my disgust when I got home that day I noticed other items had gone missing from our home. I was distraught that even an Officer of the law could disobey my direct instructions. I felt violated. My children were hurting, things of theirs from their own bedrooms had also disappeared. And it didn’t stop there, even though he was trespassed from my home now, he was watching us, he knew the exact times when I would be dropping the kids off to school/daycare, when id be picking them up, he had it down packed. My house wasn’t break in proof it was of an older style with loose wooden windows etc.. he kept coming to my home while I was not present taking whatever he decided was of value to myself and my children. He was cunning that’s for sure.

A list of these items that belonged to my children and myself are below (From what I can remember) to show just how sinister these acts were:

From my sons belongings:

• A Blue Remote control Narva Semi Truck & Trailor – acquired as a gift which was given to my son with the $300 worth of tools that I purchased for Mr J at his request.
• The Power Cord to my sons XBOX
• A handmade Rifle – given to my son as a gift on his birthday from Mr B.
• All the Coins from my sons piggy bank.

From my daughters belongings:

• A 3metre Caterpillar – Soft Toy
• A Tractor Toy given to my daughter for Christmas by my grandparents, he left behind the trailor, horse and cow that went with it (which i later gave to his current partner, thinking she might catch a clue)
• One of those Pink cabinets with the 5 shelves inside that her books were displayed on.
• Clothing including her favourite dinosaur Onesie.
• A range of other soft toys.
• Coins from her piggy bank.

From my belongings:

• The bottles belonging to the Soda Stream, that the kids happened to enjoy making.
• My Pink Tupperware Container that contained my personal bedroom collection.
• Other Tupperware Kitchen Items that he knew I had an attachment to.
• Food Items from the fridge.
• Renovator – Tools
• DVDs

I no longer felt safe in my own home, but there wasn’t really anything I could do about it, I didn’t have an income after losing my job, due to the issues going on in my personal life effecting my work. I had to get back on a benefit, I had no choice. It had been about 6 months now and during that time I had still been allowing Mr J to see our daughter for a few hours here and there, because at the time I thought it was the humane thing to do and I was trying to be civil. But things just didn’t pan out that way. The Police Officer was not listening to me, I visited often with new information about what was going on and how I continually felt uneasy but he said I had no proof that Mr J was breaking into my home and that it was just tit for tat business without evidence. With No paper trail he said I would have no luck asking for a Protection Order for my children and myself. I was at the end of my tether on what I could do to get help. It was then that my family and I decided it would be best to move out of the Valley. We had to get away from him, go somewhere we would be safe and he wouldn’t find us. So that is exactly what we did, one weekend was all it took I packed up the house and we moved at night time so that we weren’t seen. I messaged Mr J after that weekend and told him that we had relocated but I would not be informing him where for our safety. I told him I would message him with a location for him to continue having contact visits with our daughter. I had started seeing someone new while all this was happening, it was nothing full on but it was nice to have some company on the weekends, but he took to my children and I straight away. He protected us and made us feel a bit safer again, I had informed him of all the stress going on in my life and that I wasn’t in the best head space to be in anything serious, but he took that with a grain of salt because he offered to have us move in with him so that we would feel safer and this is where we moved to over that one weekend. I had enrolled my daughter into a new daycare, my son into a new school, they were settling into our new life well. We were there for all of about a month when I received a court notice, I was being ordered to return my daughter to the town where her father resides and if I did not oblige by this within 5 days, further action would be taken to remove my child from me. I was highly distraught about this. We couldn’t return, we couldn’t let him be close to us again. But because we had no choice, we packed up some of our things and  I had to remove my son and daughter from their new friends and schools. We returned in the specified time, we moved into my mothers home for 6 months as we had no where else to go. It was pretty hard as we had gone from living in a sizeable home with my partner to just the kids and myself being squished into a sleep-out building in my Mothers yard. But for the meantime with a court order in place, we were stuck. My Partner would come over and see us on the weekends, unfortunately something really bad happened on one of these weekends and my partner could no longer visit us. One of my Mother’s previous Foster children was also living at my Mothers house at the time. We all got along well and thought we might go dancing one weekend while both my children were having sleepovers. Too much alcohol was consumed and the foster child lashed out, my partner was hit in the back of the head and was severely beaten. My Partner was airlifted to Hospital and was put into an induced Coma for at least 24 hours. I was kicked in the face when I lunged on top of him to stop said foster child hurting him any further. My partner nearly died in my arms because foster child had a psychotic attack and thought my partner was Mr J and he was adamant he was stopping Mr J from hurting me any longer… It wasn’t until the next morning when foster child had no recollection of even hitting my partner, he was very upset that he could even do a thing like that to him, he didn’t deserve what happened.. It took months for my Partner to get his life and health back together, he spent months on ACC. It was one of the most horrific ordeals that has happened to us as a couple. So over that 6 months, I was not only dealing with an abusive Mr J, but I also spent so much time trying to focus on my partner and his recovery. Everything was so stressful. Mr J still had not asked for any contact time with our daughter, so I continued by just allowing her to go watch a movie or have dinner with him on the odd occasion when he was decided he was free. I hated that we had to live here yet he didn’t even want to see her. It was just a ploy to keep control and ruin my life. I soon learned he had a new partner also Miss ALB. I thought surely if he had moved on, he should allow us to go back home to my partner, I begged him for months to let us return. I kept asking him why he’s punishing me, why if has a new partner does he feel the need to keep controlling me. He told me he does it because he can. His new partner hasn’t been putting out for him as he put it so if I wanted him to drop the non removal order then I was to give him certain favors for him to drop this. I didn’t know what to do, I was desperate and vulnerable and I wanted to be as far away from him as I could be.  So even though he was already seeing another woman, I agreed to do this favor for him. One night we engaged in sexual intercourse, I had to let him have Anal Sex with me. I didn’t want it at all. I didn’t want him touching me, I already felt sick to the bone but I wanted to go home and he had everything hanging above my head. He took photographs while we were partaking in this activity, I didn’t even know he had until after it was already done. He said he would go see his lawyer the following day and have the order dropped so we could return to my partner but if i did not do everything his way and do what he told me I had to do, he would send these pictures to my partner. He was blackmailing me. I had no choice but to Obey and tell him I understood just so I could get my children and I far away from him. I needed to be with my partner, I needed to be looking after him. I needed my children to feel safe again.

It was not long after this Ordeal happened that my partner and I were engaged, we had our party in October 2016 and by March 4th 2017 we were Husband and Wife! Something Great in our lives finally! Our son was Ring Bearer and a groomsman and our daughter along with her wee friend were our flower girls. It was an amazing day that neither of us will ever forget. Shortly after we got married, the rental we were in went on the market. We had to start looking for another place to move to. It wasn’t long before we found an amazing house in Goldtown. We moved in more or less straight away. We settled in, it was perfect, we had 10 acres, a vegetable garden, sheds, the kids had a tree fort, there was a pond and a cemetery right out the back. We were in love with our new life. I got a new job where I was settled and happy. My Hubby and I started our own business up and we were doing so well. Our daughter was soon enrolled into school as she turned 5 and our son was still enjoying the high-school which he took the bus to attend. It was arranged with a new order, that Our daughter would go to Mr J fortnightly from school so Friday at 3pm til Monday at 9am, that way we would not have to have any contact with Mr J. Our daughter had only been in her first new school for a week when everything changed.

In December 2017, my world came crashing down around me. My 12 year old son had come home from school one afternoon and he was so down, I was sitting at the dining table with my 5 year old daughter when I asked him what was wrong. He got angry and said nobody likes him and he just wants to die. Straight away I responded to this and told him not to talk like that, we all love him dearly. I wanted to know what had happened at school to make him feel this way but his behavior just got worse. He dove into this dark emotional place and i didn’t know what to do to snap him out of it. At one point he had even locked himself in my car, after I managed to coerce him out of there, he ran inside and started packing a bag, I watched him through his window while he did this because of course I wanted to make sure he wasn’t barricading himself in his room to hurt himself. Once he realized that I was there he ran out the front door and headed for the pine trees. I went searching for him but I couldn’t find him, the only other place he could be was in his tree fort, he knew I could not climb up there and I tried yelling out to him, but heard nothing so I figured he was just up there ignoring me and I would give him some time to cool down. Most times when he is angry like this he will cool down and come in for dinner. But that night it got dark and he still hadn’t come inside. I started to panic, my husband and I looked everywhere for him. It got to the point where we called the Police and had them bring in the search dogs to help find him. It had been 6 hours that he was missing. The police were still having no luck in finding him, so i started to go through Facebook and find his friends contacts, finally I got a hold of one of his friends mothers. She was relieved to hear from me and said my son was there with them. He had been picked up by a mine worker and taken to the next town over, I was furious that someone could have picked up my child, but I was so glad he was safe and not hanging in a tree or stuck down a mine shaft somewhere..  the police drove to my sons friends house and because he had been saying earlier that he wanted to die etc he was taken to Mental Health Services to be on the safe side. I drove straight there but he didn’t want to see me that night so my sister was kind enough to stay with him, I was distraught what had I done wrong to upset him this much, I couldn’t figure it out.. My son started seeing a counselor and that’s when all the truths started coming to light. My son had been molested. After that session, we went straight to the police station and reported the sex crime. An Interview process began immediately. Video conferences, written statements everything that was needed was done over a period of a week. And in the midst of all this happening what was I supposed to do about my daughter? I spoke to the police and told them my concerns about my daughter and the fact that she had contact to go to with the very man that all this was about.  I was told to keep her home, do not send her to contact. I was given a number for a file to give to my lawyer at the time to add to the court files so that they knew the situation and why contact should stop while this man was being investigated for a child sex crime. I did what I was told. Little did I know that while all this was going on. Her father Mr J had approached the family court about my not sending her to contact on this one occasion, Even though this was on police instruction, which was recorded. Before I knew it not only was my son in the middle of a criminal investigation against Mr J. The Family Court was tearing my daughter from my custody for breach of the parenting order with no proof of any of these allegations against me. Before I could even have a chance to explain everything. He filed without notice and told the Family Court I was violent towards my daughter, that he feared for her well being. All this happened while the Judge of the District Court was oblivious to him being under investigation because the lawyer I had at the time did not do her job and did not file the information she was previously given. I was protecting my children the only way I knew how by involving the authorities, only to have my life shattered into a million pieces. I lost both of my children at the beginning of December. My daughter who was torn away from myself at 5 years old by the Family Court and Oranga Tamariki, and it gets worse that because of this so called breach, I was put on Supervision visits with my daughter once a fortnight. It took from December 2017 until February 2019 to have this supervision removed. This in itself is a serious flaw in the justice system. Taking that long to change our arrangements, to get evidence instead of hearsay. The family court abused my daughter for just over a year. That is what you call Child Abuse separating a child from her mother on a whim, just because a narcissistic man wrote down some excuses on a piece of paper. None of this was justified. None of this was true facts. Just over a year that my daughter was in full time care with my sons “alleged”(we use this word because the justice system let us down) molester. My son who went to the North Island to have contact with his Father, which was in our parenting order to be for 3 weeks. Well that got changed while my son was up there. So now he has to reside in the North Island until he is 16 years old. It took us from December 2017 until April 2019 to have a court decision made on my sons outcome, this is over a year that I only seen him about 3 times, while the family courts were taking their sweet time to figure out their shit. The Family Court in the North Island was however shocked by our situation, when we finally got a trial. I can at least say that I am grateful that they could see just how dangerous it was to have my children anywhere near Mr J. It was ruled that my son is not to live in the same vicinity of Mr J for his safety. So now until my son is 16 years of age, I only get to see him on school holidays. And it is quite pricey to be buying plane tickets every school holidays, but we are managing for now.

And this is where it also gets a bit of a hard pill for me to swallow. For the last year and a bit my daughter has been living with Miss ALB while I have had supervision, that I drove over every fortnight to have. She has not been living with Mr J. Mr J had a separate rental house to Miss ALB. My daughter would come back to me and tell me that Mr J only has sleepovers from time to time at Miss ALB’s house but that she lives there all the time with Miss ALB. Everyone I have spoken to in this town so far has said they have not once seen my daughter with her father, only ever with Miss ALB. In February 2019 a new order was made and we were forced by Mr J and the Family Court to relocate no further then 45min from our daughters school. A school which Mr J illegally enrolled our daughter into as he did not have my permission to do so. I had told him that while she was to be in his care she was to attend the same school as my sisters. It was also the closest school to where he lived. But he went behind my back and enrolled her into a small school a 25 min drive from where both Mr J and Miss ALB were residing. The Judge did nothing about this. My poor wee girl is currently in a 50/50 care situation with Mr J since February 2019. We found a rental in the same town as that was what was requested of us now by the court. My Husband and I left our lives, my job, our business, our animals had to be re homed, everything that we loved, we had to leave to move back here, so that we could have care of my daughter. The Courts did not expect Mr J to move closer to us when he had less responsibilities then we did. It been us every single time that has had to drop everything to please the narcissist. We signed onto a 12 month lease with our current rental. We did everything we were supposed to do. I lost my son with being forced to live in the same town as his molester. We have also had 2 miscarriages with the stress of everything that has happened to us, over the past year. And now Mr J has waited until we were actually settled here, our daughter was happy that mum only lived a couple blocks away from her so she could see us every time she drove past on the way to school etc on her week with Miss ALB. Because face the facts here her care has not been with Mr J in quite some time.  I have been trying to organise having her moved back to this school, seeing as we all now live within a 3- 4 block radius of this school, the one I wanted her to be in, so my sisters could watch out for her… Well they have now up and moved to a new house 25min away from us. 2 blocks from the school she attends without my permission. After all that fighting in court to make us move here, Mr J has now packed them up and moved them away! Another vindictive move on his behalf, another reason to refuse making our daughters life easier on her. How does he get away with this every time!? I just cant fathom it! He continues to emotionally abuse my child and still no one seems to give a rats ass but my family and friends, they are all watching it, we all want to fix it, but then there’s a problem. You can’t fix it without the courts, and the courts just don’t care. You talk to Oranga Tamariki about your childs well-being and what do you get !? A WARNING!! A warning to tell you that the hostility between you both must stop or they will put your child into state care.  Hostility! Hostility! Is nothing we have all been telling you taken into account? Does the photographs, police interviews, court appearances, doctors visits, do none of them count? The fact that he molested my child and now he is ACC approved for life long sexual assault counseling, does this not count? WTF NEW ZEALAND!!